Anger
Healthy Anger
Welcome to Food For Thought’s feature, “Mental Health Monday." A corner of the internet to help you digest viral mental health topics like toxic relationships, boundaries, self-worth, and more. To receive regular issues, sign up to be a paid subscriber.
One of my viral videos is about anger. I explained how anger is a boundary emotion and it reached over 3 Million views and was shared over 22,000 times, just on Instagram. Even SZA liked the reel.
The comments section of this video had over 900 messages. Some people questioned it with sentiments like:
“Why aren’t you encouraging they see the other person’s perspective.”
“Setting boundaries after getting angry always feels wrong, like I’ve done the wrong thing by getting angry so now my feelings about the subject don’t matter to me anymore. Probably not healthy but I don’t know how to change it 😔”
“Telling people to not abandon their anger is insane.”
Before I break down these comments for us to digest, let me first begin with a disclaimer: My bite-sized, Food For Thought tips are not a one-size-fits-all quick-fix. They might not relate to everybody’s situation, because they are not written for everybody’s situation. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Now, let’s dig in…
Why aren’t you encouraging they see the other person’s perspective.
I’m discussing anger as a boundary emotion solely for the individual experiencing injustice. The ‘other person’s perspective’ is not the target audience here because:
We can acknowledge, even have compassion for why someone acts the way that they do, but that doesn’t mean we have to allow them access to us if their behaviors are still hurtful or disrespectful.
You can’t regulate someone else while also trying to regulate yourself. You can’t put someone else’s oxygen mask on before putting on your own. Creating safety for yourself is always the first step in creating relational change. You can’t move forward with somebody if you don’t feel safe with them first.
Someone else’s perspective might not also be your reality.
Focusing on the other person’s intent can be invalidating to the hurt their words and/or actions still caused.
“Setting boundaries after getting angry always feels wrong, like I’ve done the wrong thing by getting angry so now my feelings about the subject don’t matter to me anymore. Probably not healthy but I don’t know how to change it 😔”
If you were mistreated and you set a boundary, then you should feel proud of yourself! Just because someone gets mad at you for protecting your peace, doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong. Validate your own intentions, even if the other person can’t.
You’re not responsible for making someone else feel better at the expense of yourself. Taking care of someone else, after you’ve set a boundary, is people pleasing.
Telling people to not abandon their anger is insane.
Acknowledging feelings is different from our response to them. If we abandon or ignore our feelings, then we’re ignoring our needs. Ignoring the anger doesn’t make it go away. Dismissing the situation that caused you pain, doesn’t change it, but it will change you.
When we neglect our emotions we are engaging in self-neglect, and this has negative health consequences for our lifespan and well-being. Repression of healthy anger ends up disturbing the immune system.
You don’t have to agree with or like your feelings, but avoiding them also means you’re storing them. And holding onto anger gets heavy. Acknowledge and release.
Anger gets a bad rap, but as a boundary emotion, it serves to protect us. Anger lets us know when
